| The artwork here is not the best but the writing is that I must say is pretty nice |
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| Demetri Martin: I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Demetri Martin: One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that’s a bad thing, but to me that’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense! What’s he going to say? Car?? …or Carnival?? …Carburetor!?!? Man… Demetri Martin: Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type "lol". I type "lqtm": "laugh quietly to myself". It's more honest. Demetri Martin: I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." I said, "I am." Demetri Martin: I was in this building and there was a door. And on the door it said "This door must remained closed at all times." And I was, like, "Dude, you're thinking of a wall. That is a waste of a door. What are you doing?" Demetri Martin: I bought a clock, and then the big hand broke off it. I didn't want to throw it away, so I just added "ish" to every number. Fred Figglehorn: Oh my garnit! The Joker: I took Gotham's white knight and I brought him down to our level. It wasn't hard. You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push! The Chechen: What do you propose? The Joker: It's simple. We, uh, kill the Batman. The Joker: If you're good at something, never do it for free. The Joker: [to Batman] You didn't think I'd risk the battle for Gotham's soul in a fistfight with you? The Joker: You and your kind, all you care about is money. This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I'm gonna give it to them! [Batman slams The Joker's head on a table] The Joker: Never start with the head, the victim gets all fuzzy. [Batman slams a fist down on Joker's hand] The Joker: [pretends not to feel it] See? The Joker: Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just... do things. The mob has plans, the cops have plans, Gordon's got plans. You know, they're schemers. Schemers trying to control their little worlds. I'm not a schemer. I try to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. So, when I say... Ah, come here. The Joker: I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hmmm? You know... You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan." But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds! The Joker: Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair! The Joker: Let's put a smile on that face! The Joker: [holding a knife inside Gambol's mouth] Wanna know how I got these scars? My father was... a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not-one-bit. So - me watching - he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it! Turns to me, and he says, "why so serious, son?" Comes at me with the knife... "Why so serious?" He sticks the blade in my mouth... "Let's put a smile on that face!" And... The Joker: Why so serious? The Joker: You see? This is how crazy Batman's made Gotham! You want order in Gotham? Batman must take off his mask and turn himself in. Oh, and every day he doesn't, people will die. Starting tonight. I'm a man of my word. Elder Gutknecht: Now, why go up there when people are dying to get down here? The Corpse Bride: And I thought... I thought this was all going so well. The Mad Hatter: There is a place. Like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger! Some say to survive it: You need to be as mad as a hatter. [picks up his hat] The Mad Hatter: Which luckily I am. The Mad Hatter: Alice, you're terribly late you know. Naughty. Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave. - Martin Luther Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift; that's why it's called the present. - Master Oogway (Kung Fu Panda) Adult Simba: I know what I have to do. But going back will mean facing my past. I've been running from it for so long. [Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick] Adult Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for? Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past. [laughs] Adult Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts. Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it. [swings his stick at Simba again who ducks out of the way] Rafiki: Ha. You See? So what are you going to do? Adult Simba: First, I'm gonna take your stick. [Simba snatches Rafiki's stick and throws it and Rafiki runs to grab it] Rafiki: No, not the stick! Hey, where you going? Adult Simba: I'm going back! Rafiki: Good! Go on! Get out of here! [Rafiki begins laughing and screeching loudly] Prince John: "And why would the people listen to you?" Robin of Locksley: "Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent." March Hare: I have an excellent idea, LETS CHANGE THE SUBJECT! Dormouse: Twinkle twinkle, little bat / How I wonder what you're at? / Up above the world you fly / Like a tea tray in the sky. Mad Hatter: Oh yes mustard! That'll do... Mustard? Don't let's be silly. Now lemon, that's different... Alice: Curiouser and curiouser. Mad Hatter: Clean cup, clean cup. Move down. Mad Hatter: No wonder you're late. Why, this watch is exactly two days slow. Mad Hatter: [after "fixing" the White Rabbit's watch] Two days slow, that's what it is. Bartok: Oh sure, blame the bat. What the heck? We're easy targets. (Shock) I wish my cohorts weren't so dumb (Barrle) I'm not the dumb one (Lock) You're no fun (Shock) Shut up! (Lock) Make me! -Lock Shock and Barrle Look Zero, search lights! -Jack Cheese: [with aluminum foil in his teeth] I have braces. Mac: You found that on the ground, didn't you? Cheese: Garbage can. Weather Forecaster: As a cold front sweeps in, you can expect showers in Spokane Blooregard "Bloo" Q. Kazoo: Showers in Spokane. Spooo-Caaaahhhnn. Weather Forecaster: Temperatures are up there, and its hot in Topeka. Blooregard "Bloo" Q. Kazoo: Its hoooooooot in Toooooo-Peeeee-Kaaaaaaahhhh. Its hot. Hot hot. Hot. Hot. *breathes out* Haawwwwt. Hawwwwwt. Its Hot hot hot! Its hot in Topeka! Toe-peker. I'm a toe-pick. I'm a hot toe-picker. Pick my toe, its hot! Pick my hot toe-pick-it! Topeka's hot. My toe is hot. Pick it. Its hot in Topeka. Its hot. It's hot! Its hot. Its Hooooot! Its Hotten, its hotten, its hot in Topeka! Blooregard "Bloo" Q. Kazoo: [to Mac] See! He's screwing everything up! Cheese: Nu-uh! I'm only screwing the wheel! Frankie: Quick someone think of another song. Something that's not scary. Bloo: (Sinister look in his eyes) I've got one. (takes a deep breath) Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts, Mutilated Monkey Meat--(Continues singing as Frankie interrupts) Frankie: Bloo. Stop! (Cheese stops screaming) Mac: Wait Frankie, look! (Cheese us subdued and sucking his thumb) Bloo:Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts floating in my ice cream. And I don't got a spoon. Cheese: No Spoon? Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh! Bloo: (Clapping his hands) This is fun. Frankie: Okay, Cheese... Cheese: Yes, yes? Frankie: ...on your turn... Cheese: Yes, yes? Frankie: ...I want you to sing... Cheese: Yes... (Starts flailing at the \"candy"\) YES?! Frankie: (Pushing Cheese away) The secret code to the Security System! Cheese: (Pupils dilating widely) YAAAHOOO! Tinkle tinkle in a car, you should really use a jar! YAAAAY! Cheese: (Being interviewed by spunky reporter Erin Peterson in the end credits) I have scurvy. I have dandruff. I have athlete's foot. I have a tapeworm. I have mange. I have dermatitis. I have acne. I have enteritis. I have tonsillitis. Sweeney Todd: [sung] They all deserve to die. Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett, tell you why! Because in all of the whole human race, Mrs. Lovett, there are two kinds of men and only two. There's the one staying put in his proper place and one with his foot in the other one's face. Look at me, Mrs Lovett! Look at you! No, we all deserve to die... Even you, Mrs Lovett, even I! Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief. For the rest of us death will be a relief. We all deserve to die... And I'll never see Johanna, no I'll never hug my girl to me... FINISHED! Sweeney Todd: [singing] For what's the sound of the world out there? Mrs. Lovett: What, Mr. Todd? What, Mr. Todd? What is that sound? Sweeney Todd: Those crunching noises pervading the air! Mrs. Lovett: Yes, Mr. Todd! Yes, Mr. Todd! It's all around! Sweeney Todd: It's man devouring man, my dear! Sweeney Todd, Mrs. Lovett: And/Then who are we to deny it in here? Old Sophie: I can't do this! Why'd you make me come here if you were coming yourself? Howl: Knowing you'd be there gave me the courage to show up. That woman terrifies me. I can't face her on my own. You saved me, Sophie. I was in big trouble back there. Calcifer: No, No, No! Don't do this! Help! Help! Crazy lady with the shovel! If you take me out that door, the castle could collapse! Young Sophie: Good! Shenzi: Hey. There he goes. There he goes. Banzai: So go get him. Shenzi: There ain't no way I'm going in there. What, you want me to come out there looking like you? Cactus-Butt? Guard: Well, the only way out of here is to try one of these doors! Guard: One of them leads to the castle at the end of the labyrinth, and the other one leads to... Guard: Ba-baba-BOOM! Guard: Certain DEATH! Guard: Ooooooooooooohhhhh! Woody: All right, that's enough! Look, we're all - *very* impressed with Andy's new toy. Buzz: Toy? Woody: T-O-Y, t-oy. Buzz: Excuse me, I think the word you're searching for is "space ranger". Woody: The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there's preschool toys present. Mr. Potato Head: Ages three and up! It's on my box! Ages three and up! I'm not supposed to be babysitting Princess Drool! Woody: Hey, who's got my hat? Shark: Look, I'm Woody! Howdy, howdy, howdy! Woody: Ha-ha, ha-ha... [snatches his hat away] Woody: Gimme that! Woody: [thinks Buzz has gone crazy] Let's get you out of here Buzz... Buzz: Don't you get it? [points to a doll's hat on his head] Buzz: You see the hat? I am Mrs. Nesbitt! [laughs hysterically] Woody: Snap out of it, Buzz! [opens Buzz's helmet, slaps Buzz across the face with his detached arm, then closes the helmet] Buzz: [calmly] I-I-I... you're right. I'm sorry, I am just a little depressed, that's all. I can get through this. [breaks down again] Buzz: Oh, I'm a sham! [Mr. Parker reads a side of the box with the prize that he won] Mr. Parker: Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian. Mrs. Parker: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear. Mr. Parker: Oh, yeah. Mr. Parker: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny. Mother: He does not! Mr. Parker: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare! [Describing a "reaction" to an encounter with the bullies] Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Randy lay there like a slug! It was his only defense! Randy: Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf. The Old Man: All right, I'll get that kid to eat. Where's my screw driver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in. Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was... The Old Man: Naddafinga! Winifred Sanderson: Don't you see? All Hallow's Eve has turned into a night of frollick where children dress up in costumes and run a muck! Sarah: A muck! [dances around] Sarah: A muck, a muck, a muck, a muck, a muck... [Winnifred punches Sarah in the stomach] Sarah: Ugh! Hades: So you took care of him, huh? "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your *exact* words? Pain: This might be a different Hercules. Panic: Yeah. I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays. Pain: Remember, like, a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason, and the girls were all named Brittany? Hades: [anger rising] I'm about to rearrange the cosmos, and the one *schlemiel* who can louse it up is waltzing around in the woods. Zeus: So, Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld? Hades: Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy. And, as always, hey, full of dead people. What are you gonna do? Hades: [shouting] What! The Fates were here and you didn't tell me? Pain, Panic: Ohh... We are worms! [as they grovel, they turn into worms] Pain, Panic: Worthless worms! Hades: Memo to me... Memo to me: Maim you after my meeting. Zeus: Aw, Hades, don't be such a stiff. Join the celebration. Hades: Love to, Babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I regretfully have a full-time job that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus. So, can't. Love to, but can't. Hades: He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay? Hades: We were so close - so close! We tripped at the finish line! Why? Because our little *nut*-Meg has to go all noble. Shelley: Kindness is just love with its work boots on. Tia Dalma: Land is where you are safe, Jack Sparrow, and so you will carry land with you. Jack Sparrow: Dirt. This is a jar of dirt. Tia Dalma: Yes. Jack Sparrow: ...Is the jar of dirt going to help? Tia Dalma: If you don't want it, give it back. Jack Sparrow: [greedily] No! Tia Dalma: Then it helps. Jack Sparrow: [after searching the shattered jar of dirt for Davy Jones' heart] Where is it? Where is the thump-thump? Lilo: [creating voodoo dolls of her playmates] My friends need to be punished. Hula Teacher: Lilo, why are you all wet? Lilo: It's sandwich day. Every Thursday I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich... Hula Teacher: "Pudge" is a fish? Lilo: And today we were out of peanut butter. So I asked my sister what to give him, and she said "a tuna sandwich". I can't give Pudge tuna! [whispering] Lilo: Do you know what tuna *is*? Hula Teacher: Fish? Lilo: [hysterical] It's fish! If I give Pudge tuna, I'd be an abomination! I'm late because I had to go to the store and get peanut butter 'cause all we have is... is... stinkin' tuna! Hula Teacher: Lilo, Lilo, why is this so important to you? Lilo: [calm] Pudge controls the weather. Rescue Lady: Oh yes, mm-hmm, all of our dogs are adoptable [Lilo walks in with Stitch] Rescue Lady: Except that one! Nani: What is that thing? Rescue Lady: A dog, I think... But it was dead this morning! Nani: It was dead this morning? Rescue Lady: Well we thought it was dead; it was hit by a truck! Lilo: You know, you wreck everything you touch. Why not try and make something for a change? [Stitch builds a city out of what he finds in Lilos room] Lilo: Wow. San Francisco. [Stitch begins to destroy the city like the monster in "Eath vs. the Spider", picking up a toy car] Stitch: [as car passengers] "Eeeeeek! Save me!" Lilo: No more caffeine for you. Pleakley: Help! I don't like the ocean! Ahh! Oh, look, a friendly little dolphin. They helped sailors during the war... It's a shark! It's a shark and it ain't friendly! Looks like a dolphin... Tricky fish! Tricky fish! Octopus, will you please help me? An octo... the octopus is worse than the shark! I hate this planet! Old Sophie: All right Calcifer, lets get cooking. Calcifer: I don't cook! I'm a scary and powerful fire demon! [after Sofi puts a pan and bacon on Calcifer] Calcifer: Here's another curse for you - may all your bacon burn. Flik: Here, pretend - pretend that that's a seed. Dot: It's a rock. Flik: Oh, I know it's a rock, I know. But let's just pretend for a minute that it's a seed, alright? We'll just use our imaginations. Now, now do you see our tree? Everything that made that giant tree is already contained inside this tiny little seed. All it needs is some time, a little bit of sunshine and rain, and voilá! Dot: This rock will be a tree? Flik: Seed to tree. You've gotta work with me, here. Alright? Okay. Now, y-you might not feel like you can do much now, but that's just because, well, you're not a tree yet. You just have to give yourself some time. You're still a seed. Dot: But it's a rock. Flik: [shouting] I know it's a rock! Don't you think I know a rock when I see a rock? I've spent a lot of time around rocks! Dot: You're weird, but I like you. Austin: Sam! Okay, I know you think that I'm just some... Sam: Coward? Phony? Austin: Okay, just listen. Sam: No, you listen. You turned out to be exactly who I thought you were. I never pretended to be somebody else. It's been me all along. And it was me who was hurt in front of everybody. Look, I didn't come here to yell at you, okay? I came to tell you that I know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you are. I was, but I'm not anymore. And the thing is, I really don't care what people think about me... because I believe in myself. And I know that things are gonna be okay. But even though I have no family, and no job, and no money for college... it's you that I feel sorry for. David: Heads up! Yo, five minutes. Austin: I'm coming! Sam: I know that guy that sent those emails is somewhere inside of you, but I can't wait for him... because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing. [walks away] Austin: SAM! [punches locker] Greta: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice. Fletcher: [picking up phone and shouting] Stop breaking the law, asshole! Fletcher: The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue! Fletcher: Your honor, I object! Judge: Why? Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case! Judge: Overruled. Fletcher: Good call! Fat Coworker: What's Up, Fletcher? Fletcher: Your cholesterol, Fatty! Dead man walkin'! Randy: Hey, Fletcher! Fletcher: Hey! You're not important enough to remember! Zit Boy: What'll it be, Fletcher? Fletcher: A pock mark, eventually! Gretta: Mr. Reede? Fletcher: Don't ask! For God sake, don't ask! Miranda: [coming up behind Fletcher] Fletcher. Fletcher: [shouts] Holy hell! [Fletcher witnesses a kiss of greeting between his ex-wife and Jerry] Fletcher: Wow! That was a nice image... [makes typing noise] Fletcher: *Deleted*! Horton: All right, I gotta get this speck up to the top of Mount Nool A.S.A.P, whatever that means, probably 'act swiftly, awesome pachyderm'! I mean, how hard can that be? Horton: I have to think light. I'm light as a feather. I am light as a feather. [a feather lands on the bridge and the plank gives way] Horton: Heavy feather. The Grinch: Blast this Christmas music. It's joyful and triumphant. The Grinch: [hating the Whos] Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double Hate. LOATHE ENTIRELY! The Grinch: We're gonna die! We're gonna die! I'm going to throw up, and then I'm gonna die! Mommy, tell it to stop! [continues to scream and yell, then chuckle as he gets the sleigh under control] The Grinch: Whew... ha! Almost lost my *cool* there. The Grinch: Any calls? Grinch's Answering Machine: [computer voice] You have no messages. The Grinch: Odd. Better check the outgoing. Grinch's Answering Machine: [Grinch's voice] If you utter so much as one syllable, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! If you'd like to fax me, press the star key. The Grinch: Hmm. Hmm. Narrator: The Whos young and old would sit down to a feast, and they'll feast, and they'll feast. The Grinch: And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast. They'll eat their Who-Pudding and rare Who-Roast Beast. But that's something I just cannot stand in the least. Oh, no. I'M SPEAKING IN RHYME! The Grinch: The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there - on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me - I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing... I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear? The Grinch: Oh, no, the sleigh, the presents, they'll be destroyed, and I care! [shouts] The Grinch: What is the deal? Narrator: And the more the Grinch thought of what Christmas would bring, the more the Grinch thought... The Grinch: I must stop this whole thing! The Grinch: Why, for year after year I've put up with it now. I must stop this Christmas from coming... but how? I MEAN... in what way? The Grinch: Oh. Bleeding hearts of the world UNITE. Narrator: ...He slunk to the fridge... [the Grinch tackles the refrigerator] The Grinch: SLUNK! Narrator: So whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood outside his cave, hating the Whos. The Grinch: [opens phone book] Alphabetically! Cindy Lou Who: Santa? The Grinch: WHAT? Cindy Lou Who: Don't forget the Grinch. I know he's mean and hairy and smelly. His hands might be cold and clammy, but I think he's actually kinda... sweet. The Grinch: SWEET? You think he's sweet? Cindy Lou Who: [nods] Merry Christmas, Santa. [goes upstairs] The Grinch: Nice kid... baaad judge of character. Man: [aggressively] What do you want? Ace Ventura: HDS, sir, and how are you this afternoon? All righty, then. I have a package for you. Man: Sounds broken. Ace Ventura: Most likely, sir. I'll bet it was something nice, though. [Ace Ventura just got his car started] Ace Ventura: It's ALIVE. IT'S ALIVE. Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell? Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then. Mr. Shickadance: Ventuuurrraaa. Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else. Ace Ventura: [as Captain Kirk] Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER. Melissa: Ace, get out of the tank. Ace Ventura: [talking like Scotty from Star Trek] I just can't do it, Captain. I don't have the power. Melissa: I said, get out of the tank now! Ace Ventura: For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man! Ace Ventura: LOOO-HOOO-ZUH-HER! Ace Ventura: I'm ready to go in, coach, just give me a chance. I know there's a lot of riding on it, but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind. Ace Ventura: [Hops up] I'm gonna execute a button-hook pattern, super slo-mo. [Gestures and makes sounds of a slow-motion picture and stops] Ace Ventura: Let's see that in an instant replay. [Does a reverse playback sound and gesture] Ace Ventura: Melissa it's ace! Melissa: Ace where are you? Ace Ventura: I'm in Psychoville and Finkel's the mayor! Bruce: [being overwhelmed with hearing prayers] Give me a break! [Bruce is instantly transported to meet with God] God: Really something, isn't it? Bruce: Is this heaven? God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all. [pause] Bruce: I'm *dead*? God: Naw, I'm just messing with ya. Bruce: That's not funny, Man! That is *not* funny. Dick Harper: Son of a bitch! Jane Harper: That fucker! Dick Harper: Hon, language. Dick Harper: [after watching the news saying he is going to be indicted] Indicted? Jane Harper: Dick? Dick Harper: [screaming] Indicted! Jane Harper: Dick, its gonna' be alright. Dick Harper: [starts running around house screaming] Indicted, Indicted, I'm being Indicted! Jane Harper: [Yells to him in a different room] Dick calm down. Dick Harper: [Runs back in to bedroom] [In pitiful voice] Dick Harper: I can't calm down, I'm being indicted... Dick Harper: [points to the hairpiece of a man] This squirrel died of natural causes! Ouiser Boudreaux: This is it, I've found it, I'm in hell. Ouiser Boudreaux: You are a pig from hell. Ouiser Boudreaux: You are evil, and you must be destroyed. Clairee Belcher: Mother Nature's taking care of that faster than you could. Jim Hawkins: Without the map we're dead. If we try to leave we're dead. If we stay here... Morph: [imitating Jim] "We're dead!" "We're dead", "we're dead", "we're dead"! Captain Amelia: [to a protesting Doppler] Let me make this as... monosyllabic as possible. I... don't much care for this crew you hired. They're... [to Arrow] Captain Amelia: how did I describe them, Arrow? I said something rather good this morning before coffee. Mr. Arrow: 'A ludicrous parcel of driveling galoots,' ma'am. Captain Amelia: [to Doppler] There you go, poetry. [Doppler shoots through the cable of a large air canister, it crashes down on the walkway below, sending the pirates falling into space] Captain Amelia: Did you actually aim for that? Doctor Doppler: You know, actually I *did*? Captain Amelia: [sternly] Mr. Arrow, I've checked this miserable ship from stem to stern and as usual it's- [smiles] Captain Amelia: -spot on. Can you get nothing wrong? Mr. Arrow: You flatter me, Captain. Willy Wonka: Do you like my meadow? Try some of my grass! Please have a blade, please do, it's so delectable and so darn good looking! Charlie Bucket: You can eat the grass? Willy Wonka: Of course you can! Everything in this room is eatable, even *I'm* eatable! But that is called "cannibalism," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies. Willy Wonka: I'm sorry, I was having a flashback. Mr. Salt: I see. Mr. Teavee: These flashbacks happen often? Willy Wonka: Increasingly... today. Willy Wonka: Good morning, starshine... the earth says hello! Veruca Salt: Will Violet always be a blueberry? Willy Wonka: No. Maybe. I dunno. But that's what you get from chewing gum all day, it's just disgusting. Mike Teavee: If you hate gum so much, why do you make it? Willy Wonka: Once again you really shouldn't mumble, 'cause it's kinda starting to bum me out. Willy Wonka: [looks at everyone] Come on... Let's boogie! Willy Wonka: [bangs into his elevator] I've got to be more careful where I park this thing. Willy Wonka: The best kind of prize is a *sur*prise! Willy Wonka: Let's keep on truckin'. Willy Wonka: But lucky for us, we have the Great Glass Elevator to speed things alo- [runs into elevator and falls] Willy Wonka: [getting up] Speed things along. Mike Teavee: Just put me back in the other way. Willy Wonka: There is no other way. It's television not telephone. There's quite a difference. Charlie Bucket: So, if I go with you to the factory, I won't ever see my family again? Willy Wonka: Yeah! Consider that a bonus! Willy Wonka: [to Mrs. Beauregarde] I've tried it on, like, twenty Oompa-Loompas and each one ended up as a blueberry. It's just weird! Mrs. Beauregarde: But I can't have a blueberry as a daughter. How is she supposed to compete? Veruca Salt: You could put her in a county fair! [Wonka laughs] Mike Teavee: Who wants a beard? Willy Wonka: Well, beatniks for one, folk singers and motorbike riders. Y'know. All those hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It's in the fridge, daddy-o! Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I'm layin' down? I knew that you could. Slide me some skin, soul brother! Mr. Salt: Are you using the Havermax 4000 to do your sorting? Willy Wonka: No. [laughs] Willy Wonka: You're really weird. Willy Wonka: [sorting through a big bunch of keys] There it is. There it isn't. Data: Hey any of you guys ever hear of Detroit? Mikey: No. Mouth: Sointenly! Where Motown started. It's also got the highest murder rate in the country. Data: Well, let me tell you what. That's where we're going when we lose the house tomorrow. Mikey: You shut up about that stuff, it'll never happen. My dad will fix it. Brandon Walsh: Yeah sure he will. If he gets his next 400 paychecks by tomorrow afternoon. Mikey: That's wrong Brand! It won't happen. Stef: This is ridiculous. It's crazy. I feel like I'm babysitting, except I'm not getting paid. [Brand and Andy are about to kiss after falling down] Chunk: Shame, shame! Data: I know your name! Mouth: Come on, Brand! Slip her the tongue! Stef: Oh, that's disgusting. Now I can't even look. Mouth: Senior Jerk Alert! Chunk: [Data comes flying into the house knocking over everyone and Chunk grabs the statue of Michaelangelo's David] Hey! I bet you guys think I was going to drop it huh? I know you would think that from good ol Chunk [Places the statue on the table and it falls off] Brandon Walsh: You Idiot! Mikey: Oh my god! [runs over and picks up the statue] Chunk: Look look! It's not broken. It's perfect! Ha ha! Mikey: [sees that the statue's penis has broken off] Oh my GOD! That's my mom's most favorite piece! [tries to put it back on] Chunk: Oh my god. Mouth: You wouldn't be here if it wasn't. Mikey: Shut up Mouth! Brandon Walsh: Shut up Mouth. Stef: Data where are you going? Data: I'm setting booty traps. Stef: You mean booby traps? Data: THATS WHAT I SAID! BOOBY TRAPS! God. These Guys! Richard 'Data' Wang: [Falls through to ship's hold; group of Goonies ask if he's okay] Data's okay! Data's quite tired of falling and Data's tired of skeletons! Brandon Walsh: Why didn't you use the stairs? Richard 'Data' Wang: Use the stairs! Stairs! The stupid guys tell me to use the stairs when Data's falling. If Data's hurt, nobody cares anymore... Mikey: [walks down the stairs] Data's okay... Richard 'Data' Wang: Then some guy tells me I have stupid inventions. I've been spending months and months studying on them and inventing them. God! Ichabod Crane: It was a headless horseman. Baltus Van Tassel: You must not excite yourself. Ichabod Crane: But it was a headless horseman. Baltus Van Tassel: Of course it was. That's why you're here. Ichabod Crane: No, you must believe me. It was a horseman, a dead one. Headless. Baltus Van Tassel: I know, I know. Ichabod Crane: You don't know because you were not there. It's all true. Baltus Van Tassel: Of course it is. I told you. Everyone told you. Ichabod Crane: I... saw him. [faints] [Regarding a spider] Ichabod Crane: Kill it! No, no! Stun it! Kim: Hold me. Edward: I can't. Bill: OK, everybody. Grab your plates. Soup's on. Edward: [with mouth full] I thought this was shish-ka-bob. Bill: What? Edward: [a little clearer] I thought this was shish-ka-bob. Bill: Yeah, it is shish-ka-bob. It's a figure of speech, Ed. Pee-wee: Go ahead and scream your head off! We're miles from where anyone can hear you! Pee-wee: The mind plays tricks on you. You play tricks back! It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting... Pee-wee: [holding a pen] Exhibit "D"! Jimmy, what is this - too late! Chip? Chip: Uh... it looks like a pen. Pee-wee: Exactly! I bought this pen one hour before my bike was stolen. Why? What's the significance? I don't know! Francis: Pee-wee listen to reason. [Pee-Wee cuffs his hand around his ear in a listening motion] Francis: Pee-wee! Pee-wee: Sh! I'm listening to reason. Francis: Pee-wee! Pee-wee: That's my name, don't wear it out. [Pee-wee is offering a $10,000 reward to whoever finds his bike] Dottie: Pee-wee, how are you ever going to pay a reward like that? Pee-wee: It's simple. Whoever returns the bike is obviously the person who stole it. So they don't deserve any reward! Wanda: Think Cry-Baby's got blue balls for the chick? Hatchet Face: Allison's a square, Wanda. Cry-Baby don't dig squares. Pepper: No, she's a scrape - part square, part drape. I think she's pretty. Heather: [first nanny] Children, as your new nanny, I know we're all concerned about the environment. So, this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires. Wednesday: Prevent them? [lights a match] Mrs. Montgomery: [second nanny] Alright children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question. Where is that baby? Wednesday: Which part? Polly/Nanny: [third nanny; holding up a puppet] Hello kiddies, I'm Polly the Puppet. What shall we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms! Wednesday: [holding up devil puppet] Hello Polly, I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul. Gomez: [visibly disgusted] Fresh air. The scent of pine. [hands Pugsley a cigar] Morticia: Wednesday, look at all of the other children, their freckles, their bright little eyes, their eager, friendly smiles. Help them. Desk sergeant: Who are you? What are you? Who moved the rock? Morticia: Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new Nanny. What do we say? Wednesday: Be afraid, be very afraid. [Morticia is reading "The Cat in the Hat" to Pubert, who has golden curls and rosy cheeks] Morticia: Are you enjoying this? [sadly] Morticia: To think, a child of mine! [turns the page] Morticia: "I know it is wet, and the sun is not sunny. But we can have lots of good fun... that is funny." [turns to the last page] Morticia: Oh, no. He lives. Mouth: Jerk alert! Captain James Hook: No stopping me this time, Smee. This is it. Don't make a move Smee, not a step. My finger's on the trigger. Don't try to stop me, Smee. Smee: Oh, not again. Captain James Hook: This is it. Don't try to stop me this time, Smee. Don't try to stop me this time, Smee. Don't you dare try to stop me this time, Smee, try to stop me. Smee, you'd better get up off your ass. Get over here, Smee! Smee: I'm coming. I'm coming. Captain James Hook: Stop me! This is not a joke! I'm committing suicide! [Smee makes the gun go off which aims at the toy ship in the pool model] Captain James Hook: Don't ever frighten me like that again. Smee: I'm sorry. Captain James Hook: What are you? Some kind of a sadist? Smee: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. How do you feel now? Captain James Hook: I want to die. Smee: [kisses him] Oh, now, now. Captain James Hook: There's no adventure here. Smee: [hold out Hook's gun] You call this no adventure? Captain James Hook: Death is the only adventure I have left, Smee. Peter Banning: [arriving at Wendy's home, knocks on the door] Remember, you're in England, land of good manners. [the door opens] Peter Banning: Uncle Toodles! Toodles: It's snowing! [he slams the door in Peter's face] Peter Banning: I do not believe in fairies. Tinkerbell: Every time someone says 'I do not believe in fairies', somewhere there's a fairy that falls down dead. Peter Banning: I DO NOT BELIEVE IN FAIRIES! [Tinkerbell falls down the stairs of the dollhouse unconscious] Peter Banning: Oh my God, I think I've killed it. Peter Banning: Jack, my word is my bond. Jack: Yeah, junk bonds! [he hits the ceiling door in the plane with his ball, and causes the oxygen masks to drop down and scare Peter half to death] Peter Banning: What in the hell's the matter with you? When are you gonna stop acting like a child? Jack: [laughs] I am a child. Peter Banning: Grow up. Rufio: [while fighting Hook] Lookie Lookie, I've got Hookie. Danny: Can I get a large black coffee? Barista: A what? Danny: Large black coffee. Barista: Do you mean a venti? Danny: No, I mean a large. Barista: Venti is large. Danny: No, venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact, tall is large and grande is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages. Barista: A venti is a large coffee. Danny: Really? Says who? Fellini? Do you accept lira or is it all euros now? Augie Farks: Naysayers tell me "You should be embarrassed." "You should not be fighting." "You look like Marvin Hamlisch. I say "Nay, I am not embarrassed" "I will fight." "Who the f*ck is Marvin Hamlisch?" Danny: He wrote the music for The Sting. Wheeler: That's a good movie. Chester: Is that a barn? Jesse: Is it red? Chester: No. Jesse: Then it's not a barn! Igor: Dr. Frankenstein... Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: "Fronkensteen." Igor: You're putting me on. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No, it's pronounced "Fronkensteen." Igor: Do you also say "Froaderick"? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: No... ”Frederick." Igor: Well, why isn't it "Froaderick Fronkensteen"? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: It isn't; it's "Frederick Fronkensteen." Igor: I see. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You must be Igor. [He pronounces it ee-gor] Igor: No, it's pronounced "eye-gor." Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: But they told me it was "ee-gor." Igor: Well, they were wrong then, weren't they? [in Victor Frankenstein's laboratory] Igor: [sings] I ain't got no body, and nobody cares for me. Yakka tak ta a yakka tak ta ha! Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Igor. Igor: Froedrick. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: How did you get here? Igor: Through the dumbwaiter. Dale Doback: [Brennan is burying Dale in the garden] But I'm still alive! Brennan Huff: You're waking the neighbors! Shut up! Diego: [to Manny, about possibly staying] This is my kind of place. Buck: [Pick up a rock like it's a cellphone] Hello? No... No I can't really talk right now... Going to retrive a dead sloth. No, I know. They're following ME! Yeah, and they think I'M crazy! O-Okay... We're going into the Chasm of Death, I'm going to loose you. Yeah. O-Okay. [quietly] Buck: I... I love you too. Goodbye... Goodbye! [throws the rock aside] Buck: Let's get a move on, shall we? Manny: [to Diego] That'll be YOU in three weeks. Crash: What's that noise? Buck: It's the wind. It's speaking to us. Eddie: What's it saying? Buck: I don't know. I don't speak wind. [after Joy is dumped by her fiancé] Tipper: You know what? I can get a couple of my brother's loser ass friends to go over to Mason's apartment , knock on the door and when he opens it wham! They'll junk-punch him all up in his man business and he'll fall to the floor whaling and crying "why?" and then we'll say "you know why!" Joy McNally: Wow! Did you just make that up? Tipper: No, I thought about it a lot on the way over The Cat: [English accent] I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident. Shooter McGavin: Just stay out of my way... or you'll pay! LISTEN to what I say! Happy Gilmore: Hey, why don't I just go eat some hay, make things out of clay, lay by the bay? I just may! What'd ya say? Happy Gilmore: [to the clown hole at the mini-golf course after it spits out his ball] You're gonna die, clown! [breaks its nose off with his golf club] [during a fight with Bob Barker] Happy Gilmore: Now you're gonna get it Bobby. Carl Fredricksen: [Carl, with his house high in the air, opens his door to see who knocked on it. Looking around, he spots Russell and yells... ] Whaa! Russell: Hi, Mr. Fredricksen! It's me, Russell! Carl Fredricksen: What are you doing out here, kid? Russell: I found a snipe, and I followed it under your porch, but this snipe had a long tail, and looked more like a large mouse. [His flag then blows away in the wind, and he gasps] Russell: [Turns to Mr. Fredricksen] Please let me in. Carl Fredricksen: [pause] No. [He slams the door shut] Carl Fredricksen: [Russell waits uncertainly for a few seconds. The door opens again] Oh, all right... [Russell runs inside] Mr.Mac: I don't need a watch to know how to have a good time. Russell: [from trailer] Good afternoon. Are you in need of any assistance today, sir? Carl Fredricksen: No. Russell: I could help you cross the street. Carl Fredricksen: No. Russell: I could help you cross your yard? Carl Fredricksen: No. Russell: I could help you cross... Carl Fredricksen: No! [closes the door on Russell's foot] Russell: Ow. Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do? Marlin: No I don't wanna know. Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim. Marlin: Dory, no singing. Dory: [continuing] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ho. I love to swim. When you want to swim you want to swim. Marlin: Now I'm stuck with that song... Now it's in my head. Dory: Sorry. [the French Peas sing a song about their seafood restaurant] Peas: Steak! Steak! Eat it, eat it! Shrimp! Shrimp! Need it, need it! Steak and shrimp! Steak and shrimp! Need to, need to, eat it, eat it! Aw, aw aw ee aw, aw aw ee aw... Mr. Lunt: You are one cheating buccaneer! Larry: How am I supposed to cheat at Go Fish? [pause] Mr. Lunt: I don't know. Larry and Mr.Lunt: Yay! We beat him at the ping pong... we get a hoho and a Ding Dong! Ding Dong! Larry: [looking through telescope] Thar she blows! Mr. Lunt: Where? Larry: Right there! Over by the barbecue! Mr. Lunt: [picks up ping-pong ball] Got it! Bruce: [reciting] I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends, not food. Squirt: Whoa! That was so cool! Hey, Dad! Did you see that? Did you see me? Did you see what I did? Crush: You so totally rock, Squirt! So gimme some fin. [they slap fins] Crush: Noggin'. [bump heads] Squirt, Crush: Dude! Drunk Kid: Are you off duty? Nick: This isn't a cab. Drunk Kid: Are you off duty? Nick: It's not a cab, my friend, I promise you. [while disguised as King Louis, Jacques agrees to release Mademoiselle Rimbaud's father] Jacques: [searching the forms in Louis's desk] Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution... tough guy. Jacques: Don't cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king. But I can die like a king! [He strides to the guillotine with dignity] Executioner: Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold? Jacques: None! Executioner: Have you any last request? Jacques: None! Executioner: Test the guillotine! [Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy] Jacques: *Holy shit!* Uh, wait! Wait! Last request! I have a last request! Executioner: What is your last request? Jacques: Novocaine! [the executioners confer] Executioner: There is no such thing known to medical science! Jacques: I'll wait! Prince Zuko: [after his uncle took them off course to a marketplace to search for a game piece that they didn't even have] It's good to know this trip was a complete waste of time for *everyone*! Dash: We're dead! We're dead! We survived but we're dead! Syndrome: [Slams Mr. Incredible against the ground] Am I good enough now? [Slams him again] Syndrome: Who's super now? I'm Syndrome, your nemesis and... [inadvertently throws Mr. Incredible out of sight] Syndrome: Oh, brilliant. Syndrome: It's finally ready! You know, I went through quite a few supers to make it worthy to fight you, but man, it wasn't good enough! After you trashed the last one, I had to make some major modifications. Sure, it was difficult, but you are worth it. I mean, after all... I am your biggest fan. Mr. Incredible: [recognizing that last line] Buddy? Syndrome: My name is not Buddy! And it's not Incrediboy, either. That ship has sailed. All I wanted was to help you. I only wanted to help, and what do you say to me? Mr. Incredible: [Flashback] Fly home, Buddy. I work alone. Syndrome: It tore me apart. But I learned an important lesson. You can't count on anyone, especially your heroes. Mirage: He's not weak, you know. Syndrome: What? Mirage: Valuing life is not weakness. Syndrome: Oh, hey, look, look, if you're talking about what happened in the containment unit, I had everything under control. Mirage: And disregarding it is not strength. Syndrome: Look, I called his bluff, sweetheart, that's all. I knew he wouldn't have it in him to actually... Mirage: [through her teeth] Next time you gamble, bet *your own* life. [the Incredibles crash/park their RV] Bob: Is everybody okay back there? Violet: Super duper, Dad. Dash: Let's do that again! Helen: You're in charge until I get back, Violet. Dash: What? Violet: You heard her. Buddy: [about his newest Omnidroid] It's bigger. It's badder. Ladies and gentlemen, it's too much for Mr. Incredible! [In the RV, traveling to the mainland] Dash: Are we there yet? Bob: We get there when we get there! Mr. Incredible: You mean you killed off real heroes so that you could *pretend* to be one? Syndrome: Oh, I'm real. Real enough to defeat you! And I did it without your precious gifts, your oh-so-special powers. I'll give them heroics. I'll give them the most spectacular heroics the world has ever seen! And when I'm old and I've had my fun, I'll sell my inventions so that *everyone* can have powers. *Everyone* can be super! And when everyone's super-- [chuckles evilly] Syndrome: --no one will be. Syndrome: You, sir, truly are Mr. Incredible. You know, I was right to idolize you? I always knew you were tough, but tricking the probe by hiding under the bones of another super? Oh, MAN! I'm still geeking out about it! [sigh] Syndrome: And then you just had to go and ruin the ride. I mean, Mr. Incredible calling for help? [Mocking voice] Syndrome: Help me! Help me! Lame, lame, lame, lame, *lame*! Helen: [on the phone] I'd like to speak to Edna, please. Edna: This is Edna. Helen: E? This is Helen. Edna: Helen who? Helen: Helen Parr. You know... [sighs] Helen: [whispers] Elastigirl. Edna: [booming] DARLING! How are you, it's been such a long time... Helen: [nearly dropping the phone] Yes, yes, it's been a while. Listen, there's only one person who Bob would trust to patch a super suit, and that's you, E. Edna: Yes, yes, marvelous suit, darling, much better than those horrible pajamas he used to wear. Helen: Huh? Edna: They're all finished, when are you coming to see? Helen: Look, I'm calling about... Edna: Don't make me beg, darling, I won't do it, you know! Helen: [trying to talk over Edna] Beg? Uh, no, I'm, I'm calling about a suit, about, about Bob's suit. I'm calling about Bob's suit! Edna: You come in one hour darling, I insist, okay? Okay, bye-bye. [Helen is left holding the phone, looking puzzled] Mr. Incredible: The robot's in the financial district. Which exit do I take? Elastigirl: Traction Avenue. Mr. Incredible: That'll take me downtown. I take Seventh, don't I? Elastigirl: Don't take Seventh! Mr. Incredible: Great, we missed it! Elastigirl: You asked me how to get there and I told you. Exit at Traction! Mr. Incredible: That'll take me downtown! Elastigirl: It's coming up, get in the right lane! Signal! Mr. Incredible: We don't exit at Traction! Elastigirl: YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT! [Mr. Incredible yanks the wheel over and careens down the exit] Cosmo: If Wanda sees this, she's gonna think I'm an idiot. Timmy Turner: And this would be news to her *how*? Timmy Turner: Boring conversation. Can't focus. [Timmy throws a water balloon at Francis, which misses him and ends up hitting someone in France] The French: We surrender! Norm the Genie: [about Canada] [darkly] Norm the Genie: They've had it too good for too long. Vicky: All right twerp, time for bed! Timmy Turner: But it's only six-o-four! Vicky: Well, it's nine-o-four on the East Coast. BED! [one moment later, in Timmy's bedroom, Timmy's clock changes to six-o-five] Cosmo: Now it's nine-o-five on the East Coast! Chip Skylark: [about to faint] Tuesday's... apple sauce... day... Wanda: Timmy, you can't have both brains and brawn. You have to pick just one. Cosmo: Or do what I did. Pick neither. Ooblar: Hello. [silence] Ooblar: What galaxy are you from? King Goobot: Ooblar. Ooblar: Where is your leader? King Goobot: Ooblar, stop it. It's toast. Ooblar: Oh. Hello, Toast. I greatly admire your ship. Nick: Are you sure about this, Neutron? Jimmy: Well the data seems to support his hypothesis. Sheen: Never argue with the data. Sheen: [the children are running from the aliens. Sheen is singing, as if he were Ultra Lord] Ultra Lord is not afraid of chickens. [the aliens fire at the ship] Sheen: Okay, he may be a little bit afraid of chickens. Goddard: [after Ooblar pulled a peice off of Goddard] Danger! Danger! You have just activated 'Self-Destruct Sequence Alpha'. Ooblar: That's my bad, back in you go. [Ooblar puts the peice back] Goddard: The Self Destruct unit is now engaged! Ooblar: No, no, no, no, no, I put It back in, can you understand me? Goddard: This unit will yeild in a 50 megaton nucular blast in exactly ten seconds. Ooblar: That's not good! Goddard: Please vary in a 25 square mile area, thank you and have a nice day. [Goddard shows Ooblar a watch counting down from ten] Goddard: Ten... nine... Ooblar: Bad Dog! I need mother! [Ooblar runs through the automatic doors, and as far away as possible] Cindy: You just can't accept the fact that my plan is better than yours. Jimmy: Is not! Cindy: Is so! Jimmy: Is not! Cindy: Is so Carl: [screaming] STOP IT! STOP IT! CAN'T YOU SEE THIS CONSTANT FIGHTING IS TEARING US ALL APART? [pause] Sheen: [laughing] That was cool, Carl. I really believed you for a second. Jimmy: We gotta stop them before they reach Mount Incredibly Unstable! It's incredibly unstable! Sheen: Where do they get this stuff? Sheen: You know what they say. Lies are just friends you haven't met. Brobot: Now will you help me find my parents? Sheen: Well Brobot, that would be the "right thing" to do, but the "smart thing" to do would be find Jimmy's rocket, go home, and CALL IT A DAY! Sheen: Medulla oblongata. I don't know what it means, but I love it. [warrior voice] Sheen: Back, or I will slay you with my medulla oblongata! Jimmy: Okay, Sheen. All you have to do is press the buttons... Sheen: Got it! Jimmy: I'm not done. Press the buttons one at a time... Sheen: Got it! Jimmy: I'm not done! Press the buttons one at a time when they light up. [Sheen says nothing] Jimmy: I'm done. Sheen: Got it! Dib: You can't make me look! I'll just shut my eyes. Zim: Oh, you'll open them. You have to breath sometime. Dib: No, I - Wait... What do eyes have to do with breathing? [Zim's telescope is malfunctioning] Zim: Gir! Come to the observatory! [Gir's head pops out of ceiling] Gir: Yeees? Zim: What have you done to the telescope? Gir: Nothin'... Zim: You haven't touched it? Something is broken and it's not your fault? Gir: I know, I'm scared too! Gir: Awww... I wanted to explode. Gir: Somebody needs a hug! Dib: [gasping] Sorry I'm late... horrible... nightmare visions! Ms. Bitters: It's called life, Dib. Now sit down. Dib: Ms. Bitters, I think a pencil is lodged in my brain. Can I go to the nurse? Ms. Bitters: How far in your brain? Dib: [looks at nose] Pretty far. Zim: Why was there BACON IN THE SOAP? GIR: I made it myself! Gir: Hi floor! Make me a sandwich! Gir: Your methods are stupid; your progress has been stupid; your intelligence is stupid! GIR: Lets make biscuits! LETS MAKE BISCUITS! Gir: YAY! Zim: No, Gir. That's bad. Merryweather: I'd like to turn her into a fat ol' hop toad. Fauna: Now, dear, that isn't a very nice thing to say. Flora: Besides, we can't. You know our magic doesn't work that way. Fauna: It can only do good, dear, to bring joy and happiness. Merryweather: Well, *that* would make me happy. Merryweather: It looks awful. Flora: That's because it's on you, dear. Fauna: Maleficent doesn't know anything about love, or kindness, or the joy of helping others. You know, sometimes I don't think she's really very happy. Fauna: Now, yeast, one tsp. Tsp? Merryweather: One tea spoon. Fauna: One tea spoon, of course! Carl Allen: [talking to himself, walking back to town] Why don't you take a late night stroll through the hills and get killed by the Manson family? Don't mind if I do! Carl Allen: [while watching Saw on DVD] Oh come on, you're halfway through, just snap it off already! Carl Allen: [incredibly drunk, after losing a bar brawl, said very sadly] She's never gonna go to a ball. Allison: The world's a playground. You know that when you are a kid, but somewhere along the way everyone forgets it. Margaret Tate: Who is Jillian? And why does she want me to call her? [shows Andrew the phone in the coffee cup] Andrew Paxton: Well, that was originally my cup. Margaret Tate: And I'm drinking your coffee why? Andrew Paxton: Because your coffee spilled. Margaret Tate: [tastes coffee] So you drink unsweetened cinammom light soy lattes. Andrew Paxton: I do. It's like Christmas in a cup. Margaret Tate: Is that a coincidence? Andrew Paxton: Incredibly, it is. I mean, I wouldn't possibly drink the same coffee that you drink just in case yours spilled, that would be pathetic. [phone rings] Andrew Paxton: Morning! Miss Tate's office. Margaret Tate: [after giving Andrew instructions on the Alaska weekend] Why aren't you taking notes? Andrew Paxton: I'm sorry, were you not in that room? Margaret Tate: What? Oh, oh, the thing you said about being promoted? Genius, genius. He completely fell for it. Andrew Paxton: I was serious. I'm looking at a 250,000 dollar fine and 5 years in jail, that changes things. Margaret Tate: Promote you to editor? No way. Andrew Paxton: Then I quit and you're screwed. Bye bye, Margaret. Margaret Tate: Andrew! Andrew! Fine! Fine. I'll make you editor, fine. If you do the Alaska weekend and the immigration interview, I'll make you... I'll make you editor. Happy? Andrew Paxton: Not in two years, right away. Margaret Tate: Fine. Andrew Paxton: And you'll publish my manuscript. Margaret Tate: 10,000 copies first run. Andrew Paxton: 20,000 copies first run. Andrew Paxton: We'll tell my family about our engagement when I want and how I want. Now, ask me nicely. Margaret Tate: Ask you nicely what? Andrew Paxton: Ask me nicely to marry you... Margaret. Margaret Tate: What does that mean? Andrew Paxton: You heard me. On your knee. Margaret Tate: [she kneels] Fine. Does this work for you? Andrew Paxton: Oh, I like this. Yeah. Margaret Tate: Here you go. Will you marry me? Andrew Paxton: No. Say it like you mean it. Margaret Tate: Andrew. Andrew Paxton: Yes, Margaret. Margaret Tate: Sweet Andrew. Andrew Paxton: I'm listening. Margaret Tate: Would you please, with cherries on top, marry me? Andrew Paxton: Ok. I don't appreciate the sarcasm, but I'll do it. See you at the airport tomorrow. argaret Tate: I am not getting in that boat! Andrew Paxton: Fine, see you in three days. Margaret Tate: You know I can't swim! Andrew Paxton: Hence... the *boat*. Andrew Paxton: [as Margaret slowly descends the ladder to the dock] Congratulations. I'm a hundred. Andrew Paxton: [sarcastically] You can do this, but that would require you to stop snacking on children while they dream. Andrew Paxton: [upon seeing the puppy run out of the bathroom] Wow. Barely made it out with my life. I mean, did you see those teeths? Andrew Paxton: [on the phone with his mom on why he can't come home for the weekend] I know. I know. Tell Gammie I'm sorry. What do you want me to tell you, she's making me work late again. I've worked to hard for this and I'm sure that dad is pissed. [seeing Margaret come towards him] Andrew Paxton: But we take all our submissions very seriously and we'll get back to you as soon as we can. Margaret Tate: Was that your family? Andrew Paxton: Yes. Margaret Tate: Tell you to quit. Andrew Paxton: Every single day. Vinnie: You know, I gotta say something, if I could say something here. You look familiar. Joey, look at this guy's mug. Joey: Yeah, you know, I could've sworn I've seen this guy before Bobby: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vinnie: I gotta tell ya, I never forget a face. Joey: He never does. Bobby: Oh yeah, yeah. Joey: Never. Bobby: Yeah, yeah. He's really good with the faces and such. Bolt: Listen, listen! The man with the green eye. Tell me what you know, birds! Vinnie: [pause] I know this dog. Bobby: Yeah, yeah, me too! Vinnie: I gotta remember, it's gonna kill me. Hold on. [a bus stops beside them showing a poster of Bolt] Vinnie: [pause] No, I don't know. I, I, I thought I know. Bobby: Hey, you ever hang out down on 14th Street with a stray named Kelvin? Joey: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kelvin, the Labrador. Bolt: What? Vinnie: You gotta gimme something here, cause this is redonkulous. Bobby: Absolutely redonkulous! Vinnie: Capisch redonkulous! Ya know what that means? Carlton: For a long time it gave me nightmares, witnessing an injustice like that... It's a constant reminder of just how unfair this world can be... I can still hear them taunting him...”Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!"... I mean, WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST GIVE HIM SOME CEREAL? [Will and his girlfriend are trapped in the basement after and earthquake] Will: [singing] I'm stuck in a basement, sittin' on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves; Goin' outta my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers. Isabella Swan: Badly as in... I become a meal. [Alice comes in through the window] Alice Cullen: Hi Bella! [Walks up to Bella and hugs her] Alice Cullen: Oh, you do smell good. Edward Cullen: Alice, what are you-? Alice Cullen: It's okay. Bella and I are going to be great friends. Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Sorry, Jasper's our newest vegetarian. It's still a little difficult for him. Jasper Hale: Pleasure to meet you. Alice Cullen: It's okay Jasper, you won't hurt her. Edward Cullen: Alright, I'm going to take you on a tour of the rest of the house. Alice Cullen: Well, I'll see you soon. Isabella Swan: Okay. Dr. Carlisle Cullen: I think that went well. Esme Cullen: [to Rosalie] Clean this up! Now! Isabella Swan: Hey dad I have a date with Edward Cullen. Charlie Swan: He's a little old for ya, isn't he? Isabella Swan: No, uh, he's a junior I'm a junior. I thought you liked the Cullens. Charlie Swan: I thought you didn't like any of the boys in town. Isabella Swan: Edward doesn't live in town, technically. He's right outside. Charlie Swan: He is? Isabella Swan: Yeah he wanted to meet you, officially. Charlie Swan: Alright, [cocks gun] Charlie Swan: bring him in. Isabella Swan: Could you be nice? He is - he's important. [Charlie draws invisible circle around his head, as to be a halo] Phillip Banks: No sex before marriage, Will. Will: Come on, Uncle Phil. This is the 90's. Phillip Banks: Try a cold shower. Will: I've been doing that since the 80's. It don't work no more. Isabella Swan: You know everybody's staring? Edward Cullen: Not that guy [points] Edward Cullen: ... uh... no he just looked. Edward Cullen: I'm breaking all the rules now anyway. Since I'm going to hell... [puts arm around Bella] Mike Newton: So, you and Cullen... I don't like it. He looks at you like you're something to eat. Isabella Swan: Do you do this a lot? Edward Cullen: Just the past couple of months. I like watching you sleep. I find it fascinating. Isabella Swan: [Edward jumps down off the roof of Bella's truck] Could you act human? Okay, I have neighbors. Edward Cullen: I'm gonna take you to my place tomorrow. [Pulls dent in Bella's truck back into correct place] Isabella Swan: Thanks... Er, wait, like with yout family? Edward Cullen: Yeah. Edward Cullen: W-what if they don't like me? Edward Cullen: So you're worried, not because you'll be in a house full of vampires, but because you think they won't approve of you? [laughs] Isabella Swan: [unsmiling] I'm glad I amuse you. Jasper Hale: What is it? What do you see? Alice Cullen: The tracker. He just changed course. Jasper Hale: Where will it take him, Alice? [Grabs Alice a pen and paper] Alice Cullen: Mirrors. A room full of mirrors. [starts to sketch never looking down at the paper] Isabella Swan: Edward said the visions weren't always certain... Jasper Hale: She sees the course people are on while they're on it. If they change their minds, the vision changes. Esme Cullen: [wraps her arm around Bella's shoulders] Bella, I'm glad you're here. We need an umpire. Emmett Cullen: [walking past, tossing a ball in his hands] She thinks we cheat. Esme Cullen: I know you cheat. Carlton: Why don't you act like an adult? Will: Why don't you look like one? Will: Jean Claude Van Dam I'm fine! Ace: Take that, you winged spawn of Satan! [with Greenwall at top of a huge set of stairs leading to a temple] Ace: I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go... [close-up of slinky going down temple stairs] Ace: Isn't this incredible? IT'S GONNA BE SOME KIND OF A RECORD! Everyone loves a Slinky, you gotta get a Slinky, Slinky, Slinky, go Slinky go! [runs down to see Slinky stopped on second last step] Ace: Awww man! Can you believe it. It was right there! Ace: That's a lovely wrap you're wearing! Perhaps I could buy you some fluffy new slippers, made from the heads of innocent and defenseless baby seals! The Monopoly Guy: Who is this ghastly man? Ace: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And YOU must be the Monopoly guy! Hey. [whispering] Ace: Thanks for the free parking. Pompous woman: Another ACTIVIST, McGuire. The Monopoly Guy: Activist, yes [snobby laugh] Ace: [imitating him] activist, yes, mhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm! Pompous woman: Mr. Ventura, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of nature. You should try it sometime. Ace: Alrighty then! [smacks man in the face which knocks him unconscious, drapes him over his shoulders and begins to sing and dance exotically] Ace: [shakes man] Do not pass go! Do not collect $200! [hands back man to pompous woman] Ace: It's lovely, but I fancy myself in autumn! Vincent Cadby: [Ace moans and howls upon entering a room sporting numerous stuffed animal heads] Something wrong, Mr. Ventura? Ace: Of course not. This is a lovely room of death. Jim Hawkins: Well, this has been a fun day. Making new friends, like that spider psycho. Morph: [Takes form of Scroop] Spider psycho. Spider psycho. Jim Hawkins: A little uglier. Morph: [Turns into an uglier version of Scroop] Ha-ha-ha-ha! Jim Hawkins: Pretty close. Blooregard "Bloo" Q. Kazoo: Trap door? Mac: Yep. Blooregard "Bloo" Q. Kazoo: I hate this house! Mac: Sugar! Need sugar! Blooregard "Bloo" Q. Kazoo: Oh, sugar. You mean like this piece of gum? Mac: Sugar! Precious sugar! [Takes gum, spits it out] It burns us! It burns us! [They pull Mac into the car and drive off] You said... it was sugar. Blooregard "Bloo" Q. Kazoo: Right, sugar. Sugar-free. Blooregard "Bloo" Q. Kazoo: Being a burden is great. It's like my... seventh favorite thing to be. The Wolf: I knew it! Never trust a bunny! Twitchy: Never trust a bunny! |
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--
Mad Hatter: [after "fixing" the White Rabbit's watch] Two days slow, that's what it is.
Bartok: Oh, sure. Blame the bat, what the heck; we're easy targets.
-Bartok
--
Mad Hatter: [after "fixing" the White Rabbit's watch] Two days slow, that's what it is.
Bartok: Oh, sure. Blame the bat, what the heck; we're easy targets.
-Bartok
--
'The essence of Jasmine and Green tea, is as sweet as the moistness amongst the morning dew...'
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Inuyasha
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Jasmine xoxo
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